How to Heal from Mormon Shame
You feel guilty for saying no. You feel selfish for setting a boundary. You feel like a bad person when you disappoint someone. Maybe you feel uncomfortable with your sexuality, your body, your ambition, your anger, or simply wanting to live your life differently from what you were taught.
Maybe nothing particularly traumatic happened to you while in the LDS church. You may even have had a genuinely good experience growing up Mormon. And yet, you still constantly feel ashamed.
Sometimes you don't even know why you feel ashamed. You just know that you do. This is one of the more difficult parts of leaving Mormonism or changing your relationship with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. For some people it is easy to change their beliefs, but it is hard to eliminate the emotional reactions that developed around those beliefs (e.g. shame).
If you are struggling with Mormon shame and don't know what to do, know that you don't have to do it alone!
*You can learn more about me toward the bottom of this article.
How is shame different from guilt?
Shame and guilt are related, but they aren't the same thing.
Guilt says, "I did something wrong."
Shame says, "There is something wrong with me."
Healthy guilt can actually be useful. If you hurt someone, you might feel guilty, apologize, and try to do better. Shame is different. Shame attacks your identity.
Instead of thinking, "I made a mistake," you think, "I'm a bad person."
Instead of, "I don't agree with this teaching," you think, "Maybe I'm selfish, prideful, or deceived."
Instead of, "I don't want to do this," you think, "Why am I so selfish?"
Mormon shame often comes from learning that your worth depends on living up to an external standard. You learn that being a good person means thinking, believing, and behaving a certain way, and that failing to do so means something is wrong with you.
You can carry that shame even after you stop believing in the standard. You may know intellectually that you haven't done anything wrong, but still feel like you have. And if you were taught to distrust your own judgment, it can be hard to recognize that the shame may come from an old rule rather than your own values.
Why Mormon shame can stick around
One reason Mormon shame can be so difficult to get rid of is that it wasn't necessarily taught to you as shame. It was often taught to you as truth.
You were taught that your body needs to be controlled (e.g. "Now is the time to control our bodily appetites to comply with the spiritual doctrine of Christ" - President Ballard, 2019). That your thoughts mattered. That your choices had eternal consequences (e.g. "Many of our choices have eternal consequences" - President Monson, 2016). That obedience demonstrated your worthiness (e.g. "Worthiness is achieved through obedience" - Joy Jones; Primary General President, 2017). That certain behaviors could make you unworthy to enter the temple or receive God's blessings.
You were taught that questioning these ideas was itself dangerous. This makes things complicated. You can eventually decide that you don't believe those teachings anymore, but your emotional reactions don't necessarily change at the same time.
You can know that drinking coffee isn't morally wrong or physically unhealthy, and still feel strangely guilty when you order one. You can believe that sexuality is a normal part of being human and still feel shame for wanting sexual experiences.
You can know that you're allowed to disagree with your parents and still feel like you've done something terrible when you tell them "no."
Changing your beliefs and changing the emotional conditioning that developed around those beliefs are two different processes. And this is one reason that simply learning more about Mormon history or doctrine doesn't necessarily make the shame disappear.
You may have learned that ignoring yourself makes you a good person
One of the most important questions you can ask yourself is: “What did I learn I had to do to be a good person?” Answers might include:
Be obedient.
Don't question authority.
Don't have sexual thoughts.
Don't make other people uncomfortable.
Put your family first (even if they are abusive)
Don't get angry.
Don't complain.
Serve others.
Don't be selfish.
Many of these can be good values. The problem is when they become the foundation of your identity or are taken to an extreme. Think of this scripture you were taught: “For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it.”
— Matthew 16:25
For many people, this meant learning to distrust themselves and instead trust their church leaders to tell them what was right. You were taught that obedience was how you became the person you were supposed to be.
But the more you learn to ignore yourself, the harder it becomes to know yourself. You give up your wants, needs, doubts, and individuality in an effort to be the person you’re told you should be. Eventually, you can lose touch with yourself and with what actually brings you joy.
And when you're told you're doing everything right but you're still depressed or unhappy, what do you do? You try harder. You pray more. Serve more. Repent more. Try harder to be more Christlike. And when that doesn't work, you assume the problem must be you. You end up trapped in a cycle of trying harder, feeling worse, and blaming yourself, with shame following you the entire way.
Leaving Mormonism doesn't automatically make this tendency disappear, or make these emotions disappear. You may stop trying to be a perfect Mormon and start trying to be the perfect ex-Mormon. Or you might logically know that you don’t have to live Mormon standards anymore, but the shame remains.
Healing means learning to trust yourself
One of the most important parts of healing from Mormon shame is learning to distinguish between what you actually believe and what you were taught to believe. Learning to distinguish between what you were taught you should do, and what you actually want to do.
The goal isn't necessarily to reject everything you were taught. It's to examine your beliefs and decide for yourself what you actually want to keep. The same is true with shame. When you feel ashamed, you can begin asking yourself:
Do I actually believe I did something wrong, or do I just feel like I did?
Is this consistent with my current values, or is it coming from an old rule?
Would I judge someone else as harshly as I'm judging myself?
What would I think about this if I hadn't been taught that it was sinful, selfish, or wrong?
You may find that some of your old beliefs still fit your values. Others may not, and that’s okay. The goal isn't to replace Mormonism with another set of rules about how you're supposed to live. The goal is to become comfortable deciding for yourself.
You don't have to decide that Mormonism was all good or all bad
Another thing that can make healing more difficult is feeling like you have to decide whether Mormonism was “good” or “bad.” Real life is rarely that simple. Many people learned to think in extremes and absolutes while in the church. So don’t leave Mormonism only to continue thinking in absolutes. Learn to appreciate nuance.
For example, some people loved their mission while recognizing that parts of missionary culture were very unhealthy. Others had a difficult mission but still appreciated other parts of Mormonism, like the social connection and community.
You don't have to hate your past in order to move beyond it. You can love parts of your past and still recognize that other parts hurt you. That being said, it is also completely ok to hate most of your Mormon past. There is no right or wrong! Simply find the nuance.
Give yourself permission to become your own person
Ultimately, healing from Mormon shame involves becoming more comfortable with the idea that you don't have to earn your right to be yourself.
You don't have to drink coffee because you're no longer Mormon.
You don't have to get a tattoo.
You don't have to have sex.
You don't have to swear.
You don't have to leave the Church.
You don't have to stay in the Church.
You get to decide.
Over time, healing means becoming increasingly comfortable asking yourself:
What do I actually want?
What do I actually believe?
What are my values?
What kind of person do I want to be?
You may not have all the answers right away. That's okay. You spent years (probably decades), being told what was true and what it meant to be a good person. It can take time to develop confidence in your own judgment.
You're not trying to become someone who never feels shame again. You're learning to recognize where that shame came from, decide whether it still reflects your values, and ultimately become more comfortable choosing your own path.
What if I need additional help?
You don't necessarily need therapy to heal from Mormon shame. Many people work through these issues on their own, particularly when they have supportive relationships and enough space to explore their experiences.
That being said, therapy can be particularly helpful when you understand intellectually that you aren't doing anything wrong but still feel like you are. You may be dealing with perfectionism, anxiety, relationship difficulties, sexual shame, identity struggles, religious trauma, or difficulty setting boundaries.
A therapist who understands Mormonism can help you explore these issues without trying to convince you to stay in the Church, or trying to convince you to leave it.
Need professional help navigating Mormon shame?
As a secular psychologist specializing in the aftermath of Mormonism, I’ve worked with countless clients through the tension of Mormon shame and the challenges that can come with changing your identity within Mormonism or leaving it.
If you’re feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or unsure how to navigate certain relationships, I’m here to help.
*If you don’t see availability via the button above:
📞 Call/Text: 385-200-0204
📧 Email: dominic@truupsychology.com
Let’s find a way forward together.
A little about me
At TruU Psychology, I specialize in therapy for faith transitions, religious trauma, relationship trauma, and life beyond Mormonism. Many of my clients seek therapy for anxiety, depression, life transitions, relationship struggles, or professional challenges - but they also want a therapist who understands the unique dynamics of Mormonism and post-Mormon life.
I can work with clients in over 40 PSYPACT participating states & NY.
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