How to Stay Connected with Mormons After Leaving Mormonism: A Psychologist's Guide
- Dominic Schmuck, Ph.D., ABPP
- 7 days ago
- 6 min read
A Psychologist’s Guide to Staying Connected Without Losing Yourself
If you’re here, you probably care deeply about the Mormon friends or family you grew up with, but now you find yourself wondering how to keep those relationships intact after stepping away from the church.
Maybe you’ve already left and consider yourself an ex-Mormon or post-Mormon. Maybe you’re still figuring it out. Either way, you might have wondered:
"What should I do when my family/friends keep talking about the church?"
"What can I say when I get invited to a temple wedding?"
“Should I still go to baptisms?”
“Do I participate in prayer even though I don’t believe anymore?”
“How do I keep it real without making every interaction awkward?”
First, take a breath. There’s no “right” way to do this. Despite what many of us were taught in Mormonism, life isn’t black and white. There’s no universal playbook for navigating friendships after a faith transition. The beauty of life outside a high-demand religion is the freedom to find your own way!!! Authentically, imperfectly, and with room for nuance.
Yes, there are helpful tools - things that can reduce conflict, support healthy boundaries, and make interactions smoother. But ultimately, every relationship is different.
As someone who has left the church myself, I love the freedom to make decisions without a script. And as a psychologist who works with both active members and post-Mormons, I love watching people discover their own authentic ways of interacting with others. I thrive on helping individuals stay true to themselves while still respecting the human connections and relationships they care about.
This post is here to help you explore how to stay connected with Mormon friends and family without losing your integrity or peace of mind.
5 Tips for Staying Friends Without Losing Yourself
1. Lead With Relationship, Not Belief
Don’t make belief/disbelief the cornerstone of your connection, and don’t let others force you into making it the cornerstone either. Make the relationship itself the foundation. Let your shared history, humor, or hobbies take center stage.
To be honest: Yes, you might lose some relationships simply because you’re no longer building them on a shared belief system. But stepping away from that foundation also makes room for new, meaningful connections with people who value you for who you are, not what you believe.
The people who truly care about you will stick around whether or not you share the same beliefs. They’ll stay in your life because they like you, not because you’re a project to fix or convert. They’ll be your friend because they enjoy your company, not because they’re invested in your religion.
Some people, sadly, only love the belief and not the believer.
2. Get Clear on Your Boundaries
Boundaries aren’t about creating distance, they’re about creating clarity. They help relationships grow on a foundation of honesty and help avoid not silent resentment.
A common misconception is that boundaries are about telling others what to do. In reality, they’re about how you choose to respond when something doesn’t feel right for you.
For example, if your active Mormon family frequently talks about church, you can’t control the conversation. But you can choose how you engage. Maybe you step out for a walk, play with the kids, or gently steer things in a different direction.
The same goes for invitations to church events. You don’t have to say yes to keep the peace, and you don’t owe anyone a detailed explanation. “Thanks for the invite, but I won’t be coming,” is enough. And of course, if attending feels authentic for you, it’s okay to go. The key is making the choice based on what feels right to you, not obligation.
Going along with everything to avoid discomfort only builds quiet resentment over time. Boundaries aren’t about rejecting people, they’re about creating close relationships for everyone involved.
3. Respect Your Friends’ and Family’s Boundaries
It’s easy to spot when Mormons overstep, but at times, post-Mormons do the very thing they don’t want done to them.
You don’t want to be treated like a project or pulled back into the church, so don't make every conversation about what’s wrong with the church. You don’t want to be judged for trying/drinking alcohol, so don’t pressure your Mormon friends to join.
Healthy post-Mormon relationships are built on mutual respect. When you honor their boundaries, they’re much more likely to honor yours. That’s how trust grows on both sides.
4. Find Small, Sincere Ways to Stay Connected
If Mormonism is still central to your friends’ or family’s lives, your relationship might benefit from small, heartfelt gestures that show you care - not just about them, but about what matters to them (including their religion).
You don’t have to attend an event to show love. A thoughtful text, a quick check-in after a mission farewell, or asking how a baptism went is enough to say, “I still care about you.”
Connection doesn’t require full participation, it just asks for sincerity. A small gesture can go a long way in keeping the relationship alive and grounded in mutual respect.
5. Let the Relationship Evolve
Not every friendship will make it through your faith transition. Remember, this doesn’t mean you’ve failed or done something wrong. Some connections may naturally fade when belief is no longer the shared foundation.
But others will surprise you. I’ve seen relationships deepen when both people let go of religious expectations and connect in more honest, meaningful ways.
Let the relationship become whatever it’s meant to be.
My Personal Take: How I Navigate It
Sometimes I show up to things like baptisms or mission farewells, not because I believe in them, but because someone I love does, and I want to honor that. Other times, I stay home. Just this past weekend, my wife took our kids to a relative’s baptism, and I didn’t go simply because I didn’t feel like it. No drama. No huge conversation.
We also regularly have Mormon friends and family over. When they’re in our home, we usually don’t say a prayer before meals (with some exceptions too nuanced to get into in this brief blog post). But if we are at their home, we certainly participate in prayers out of respect. It’s not about conforming; it’s about staying connected.
Recently, for the first time in over five years since leaving the church, I found myself attending the setting apart of missionaries. Every adult male priesthood holder was asked to participate in the setting apart of my in-laws, except me. I was the only adult male who stayed seated.
Was being the only adult male remaining seated uncomfortable? Yes. Not because I felt shame, but because I hadn’t anticipated the moment. I’ve been out of the church long enough that I forgot it would even come up. But as I sat there, I also felt something else: authenticity. I wasn’t pretending. I wasn’t performing. I was simply honoring where I am now. And I was proud that I did so. I was glad my nieces and nephews saw me, a dad, just sitting there with my kids without shame.
To me, that’s what this whole process is about. It’s about staying real, choosing love, and finding my own way forward without a script.
In Summary: Your Path Is Valid
There’s no trophy for how many prayers you skip or how many beliefs you renounce in conversation.
There’s no gold star for how many Mormon events you attend after leaving the church.
There’s just you. You are doing your best to love and be loved in a way that feels whole.
You’re allowed to not go to the baptism.
You’re allowed to go and stay quiet.
You’re allowed to cry in the car afterward because it brought up more emotions than you expected.
You’re human. You’re healing. And you get to write the script now.
Need Help Navigating This?
You’re not alone. As a secular psychologist specializing in Mormon faith transitions, I’ve walked with countless clients through the tension of staying connected to Mormon loved ones while honoring their own journey.
If you’re feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or unsure how to navigate certain relationships, I’m here to help.
*If you don’t see availability via the button above:
📞 Call/Text: 385-200-0204
📧 Email: dominic@truupsychology.com
Let’s find a way forward together.
A Little About Me
At TruU Psychology, I specialize in therapy for faith transitions, religious trauma, relationship trauma, and life beyond Mormonism. Many of my clients seek therapy for anxiety, depression, life transitions, relationship struggles, or professional challenges - but they also want a therapist who understands the unique dynamics of Mormonism and post-Mormon life.
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